Can We Become Unoffendable?

I have this character goal to be a person that can’t be offended, like I imagine Jesus or the Dalai Lama to be. But how much can I really control such a reaction to a person’s strange or unpleasant behavior?

Being offended has something to do with perceiving a threat to our values, beliefs, or identity. The key word there is ‘perception’: our offense originates from our interpretation of the person’s behavior, not the behavior itself. We can be offended not just by someone projecting a message directly against us, but also by someone simply behaving in a way we would personally chose not to, though we are not being injured by it in any way. In these cases, we often feel disgust and a desire to suppress their expression as if it were a personal threat, when in fact, they haven’t done anything to us, and we’re not likely going to imitate their behavior just because we were exposed to it.

It brings to mind a conversation from back when I was a youth leader. One of my kids told me how he was offended by the boys at school using swear words and how he asked them not to swear if they were going to be around him. One one hand, I recognized the bravery he was demonstrating to stand up for his strongly-held values, just as our religious culture taught us to do. On the other hand, I was a bit concerned because my understanding of being a ‘light to the world’ did not include making people behave according to our preferences so they could be near us and receive our acceptance. We’d like to think that our clean, kind language would be more influential on them than their foul, hostile language would be on us. This is a challenging situation for a child or an adult to be in but isn’t there a way we could maintain our values while offering acceptance to those who don’t seem to share them?

What I have found so helpful in my quest to be less offendable is the first NVC principle of needs:

All behavior is understood to be an attempt to meet a need. No matter how large or small, effective or tragic the behavior, it is motivated by a need.

And when I put that lens up to my eye to view a strange and unpleasant behavior, it produces curiosity. I wonder what need they might be attempting to meet, rather than be immediately offended by their strategy for meeting it.

If someone were swearing, I wonder what this person is trying to express emotionally by using a particular swear word, with that tone and body language?

If someone were mocking a belief I hold dear, I wonder what need he perceives is being threatened by his exposure to it?

If someone were directing their anger or disgust toward some human characteristic I possess, I wonder what need he perceives is being threatened by its presence in our community?

For my experiment, the antidote to being offended is hope and curiosity: Hope that something humane motivates the behavior and open curiosity about what that motive is. If we can identify it compassionately, that person might realize that there could be a better strategy for meeting their need than behaving as they were.