Awareness: Upstream from Empathy

I agreed to help my wife make a complicated dessert – a French apple cake they call Gateau Aux Pommes! Oo la la!

Part of the “invisible” part of the cake depends on very thinly sliced fruit. The ideal kitchen tool, a fancy mandoline, is not resident in our less than oo la la kitchen.

My wife told me last night that she thought our nearly oo la la Cuisinart food processor might be a worthy substitute. I didn’t disagree but went looking for something else. My independent search annoyed her. “Why are you doing that?” she said in a tone that said “annoyed,” what I heard as “doofus!” When I said I wanted to explore our many options, she got more annoyed. Spiralizer? Nope. Cheese slicer? Nope. Grater? Nope. Food processor? Nope.

Perhaps my wanting to exercise curiosity stimulated her need for trust. I didn’t ask; instead, I got defensive too, and we were off to the argument escalation races.

I could have gone immediately to empathy for her. “Are you feeling annoyed because you already did the research and find my effort a duplication of effort?” I didn’t. Bong, that’s one behavior demerit for me.

She could have gone immediately to empathy as well. “Are you feeling curious and need autonomy for discovering what you think is the best tool?” She didn’t. Bong, that’s one demerit for her.

So, while I showered, cooling off under a tepid stream, awareness of the path I took became clearer. “Oo la la, using awareness and empathy from the start would probably have avoided the dust up with her,” my inner sage whispered. So, after toweling off and having practiced my best mea culpa, we quickly walked through the whole scene again, in the kitchen, with the apples still sitting there, unfazed and unsliced.

She quickly understood my penchant for curiosity and autonomy; I quickly got her annoyance and need for trust and efficiency. Kiss. Kiss. Oo la la!

We talked more about the gift of awareness. Had she been aware of my need for empathy, she could have kept her annoyance at bay. Had I noticed her need for empathy, I could have pivoted to that instead of strutting around my busload of discontent. That would have avoided being ambushed by habitual impulsive behavior. Me me me….whah, whah, whah.

Animals have a talent for awareness that many humans cannot fathom, much less master. We dismiss “instinct” in nature like it were somehow primitive. As Earth’s apex predator, our skills of awareness have eroded. Only when trespassing into nature’s domain again do we feel the tingle on our scalp or the shiver in our spine at the thought of being eaten by a wild animal. The birth of awareness in the face of death. Oo la la.

Awareness can be improved with intention and practice in unstressed moments. Then, with that app fully loaded, we still need discipline to stay in a neutral, aware state – not bushwhacked by bad habits.

In the end, I used a freshly sharpened, 10-inch, ooh la la chef’s knife to cut the pared Granny Smith apples into the desired 0.1 inch slices. I was aware that if I lost focus, there might be a few drops of unwanted sangre in the cake. That kind of focus, if broadened, can be employed to fix anything, from a Gateau to a garden hose, from a kid’s broken cart to my wife’s broken heart.

Voila!

 Oo la la!