Is NVC Totally Nonviolent?

Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and right-doing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there.

That part of Rumi’s famous Persian poem is cited frequently because it points to a central value of Nonviolent Communication (NVC) practice – nonjudgment and equality. If we resist the temptation to blame, we can then see others as equals, and view their needs as worthy, like ours. There are no evil people, we’re taught, but rather people whose words and actions don’t meet our needs.

But in practical terms, morality matters, because injustice exists. Courts decide guilt and parcel out punishment. People rise up against tyranny and injustice. Justice is found through violent and nonviolent means. Is that contrary to NVC teachings?

Kind of.

Rumi’s poem points to an ideal world. NVC teaches us in that fashion in the hope that humanity will move in that direction. But in his writings and teachings, Marshall Rosenberg also brings us back to reality with a chapter about using “a protective use of force” for times when violence threatens.

• If the rough grabbing of a child avoids their being hit by a car, the act of violence prevented a more disastrous outcome
• If disabling a spousal abuser spares the victim further injury, the use of force was warranted
• If neutralizing an aggressive country’s war machine eventually saves the lives of countless others, the intervention is seen as just.

The distinction Rosenberg makes is that in stepping in, we’re asked to reflect on the motivation of our actions. If we’re using force to punish, he would say that’s unhealthy. If, however, we use force to protect life and avoid further injury, that’s proper. And, in doing so, we’re trying our best not to blame or shame the one we’re restraining, but rather trying to educate them.

In the case of breaking up spousal abuse, Rosenberg’s strategy might include restraining the abuser and then, instead of shame and blame, talking about how their actions didn’t meet your needs nor the needs of the spouse. If blame and retribution are not used, perhaps the abuser will find it easier to choose an alternative to violence in the next conflict. Perhaps having not been completely humiliated, beat up and shamed, the abuser will find it easier to say yes to some form of therapy and find willingness to atone for their behavior.