Empathy or Sympathy?

One phrase we often loathe to receive, yet may find ourselves resorting to when comforting a friend, is, “I know exactly how you feel.”

While we share the same fundamental human needs and understand the joy or suffering that results when those are met or unmet, each person’s context and personal experience remain completely unique. We recognize that two people using the same word to describe a common feeling will have two similar, yet distinct, experiences. We connect around the obvious similarities while respecting the unseen differences.

In a moment of care for another in distress, we can experience and offer two distinct forms of connection:

Empathy

I cognitively understand, based on your words and expressions, what you are experiencing right now. I recognize the feelings and needs you are expressing because they are common to humans, but I don’t need to feel them myself in this moment. My comments focus entirely on your experience, not my own.

Sympathy

I hear what you are describing and begin to recall a similar personal experience, or I imagine how I would feel in your situation. I am transposing my feelings onto yours, even though I am a different person in a different context. In essence, I am mixing my own internal state with what I perceive to be yours.

From the perspectives of physics, psychology, and philosophy, we know that no one can ever “know exactly how you feel.” When we are distressed and hear this phrase, something in us knows it isn’t what we need—it fails to connect with our need for empathy in that moment.

Sympathy does have a function: it is useful for soci0-cognitive learning. We observe what another person is going through, recall or imagine being in that situation, and consider how we would feel and react. This experience offers reminders and lessons about our past mistakes or successes, providing insight into how we might respond to future challenges. Sympathy is ultimately about self-learning.

Empathy, on the other hand, in moments of distress, meets the person’s social need to be seen, understood, and accepted in their painful, vulnerable state. It is about helping them reestablish homeostasis (inner system-wide balance) through a supportive social experience.

Starting with careful listening, empathy can often be given by simply reflecting back the feelings and needs the person has spoken (or by making an earnest guess) with a similar tone. This reflection produces the comforting effect the distressed person longs for. The comforter would avoid phrases like “I feel…” or “I think…” and focus solely on “You…” statements. While it may sound too simple or uneloquent, in these delicate moments, simplicity is often the most effective approach.

Finally, we confirm that empathic connection has been accomplished, not when the listener thinks they understand, but when the person in distress expresses relief at being seen, understood, and accepted in that moment. Therefore, the listener must send clear signals of empathy through their words and body language, and actively look for the natural signs of relief or appreciation that emerge in the distressed person.