Requests and the Agency of Choice: Saying No in NVC

Requests are frequently a challenging aspect of Nonviolent Communication to integrate into our daily behavior.

Why? 

• Our culture is biased toward individual self-reliance. Our faith traditions also favor putting others first, rather than meeting our own needs.
• Requests are frequently demands. “Will you finish what I asked you to do?” has an underlying expectation for you to say “yes.”

Lots of us have a built-in pattern of thinking around “have to” thinking, like “I have to go to school (work)”, or “I have to obey my parent’s (employer’s) wishes.” In that world, personal choice is often neglected.

(Think of a few examples)

Exercise:

1. Write out a request you’ve heard and that you’d like to say “no” to, but you’re reluctant because you fear the consequences.

_____________________________________________________________________________?

• Who is making the request? What’s their relationship to you?  ______________?

• What feeling(s) come up when you think of their request ___________________?

• What need is not met? _______________________________?

• Before you say “no” to them, pause to consider the following:

1. Am I saying no because of the way they asked it?
2. Or am I saying no because I have something else that’s more important to me at the moment?

• Take a moment to visualize saying no to their request.
  • Imagine their response: positive or negative?
  • Imagine them asking “Why not?”

At this point, you have a choice where to take the conversation. In order to keep connected and seek resolution, you may choose to do:

• Self-empathy  – because the situation has you emotionally tipped over
• Expression – to make clear to the other person what’s going on for you
• Empathy – to hear what is going on for the other person.

• Self-empathy. “When I think about this situation, I feel _____________ and right now I need __________
  • Ex. I feel defensive and need some space

• Expression.
  • “The way you asked the question stirred a feeling of  _______________ in me, and I need __________________?

(Ex. When you asked me that, shaking your finger and raising your voice, I felt shocked and I need some understanding. What’s going on for you, and why did you ask me that way?)

• “I’m saying no because I’d rather finish what I’m doing, to meet a need I have of _______________

• Empathy.
  • In their request (#1), what need might they be wanting to meet?  _______ What might they be feeling when they hear you say “no”? ________________

1. Requests are the final part of the NVC process, a way to have your needs met. A request is often integrated into the above steps: self-empathy, expression and empathy for the other.
2. Requests are often ACTION oriented: i.e. Would you be willing to just listen to me right now without interrupting? But requests can also be made for:
3. Clarity: i.e. Would you be willing to tell me what you heard me say?
4. Understanding: i.e. When you hear that, what comes up for you?

ACTION requests are most effective when they have all three components:

• Specific: i.e. Listen to me. Finish the job you started.
• Doable: i.e. humanly possible
• Real time: i.e. Now, today, next week

1. Look at your answers to #7, 8 and 9. Choose one.
   1. Write a request that will help you meet the need expressed in that situation.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________?

1. Think about a request you would like to make of another person. How do you make sure that it isn’t a demand in disguise? How would you work all parts of the NVC process into it: Observation, feeling, need and request?

Ex. “You offered once to let me use your truck. I feel really happy about your offer, even though I didn’t need it at the time. I’m wondering if you’d be willing to lend it to me next week sometime to take things to the thrift store? It would sure meet my need for convenience and support.”