With Our Light Under a Bushel

I asked a local friend to join me as a member of the Salem Braver Angels steering committee. “No” is a common answer and I was prepared for that. She said “no.”

I appreciated that she took the time to explain why, and her story stimulated a sadness in me. She said the reason she refuses to join outside organizations, especially those perceived as “political”, is because she wants to remain a blank slate for her clients and potential clients. She wants to appear absolutely neutral so that clients don’t attach a label that could impact their professional relationship, and the establishment of trust.

“I’m sad,” I told her, “because I sense that the perceptions held by others impacts choices you might want to make in life. In the extreme,” I continued, “wouldn’t that diminish your community presence? I imagine the life of a recluse, a hermit, staying away from society because they may need space or ease in their life. But what needs of yours are you ignoring by choosing to step back from community activities that might meet other needs you have for connection or belonging?”

The work of Braver Angels, and the core principles of Nonviolent Communication, all point in the direction of social interaction. And rather than hiding our true selves, we’re taught to look at ourselves and others without moral judgment, without labels, without an overlay of “should” or “ought to.”

We are a social species, and while others’ perceptions of me are important, I’ve learned that hiding my values from others is not conducive to making connections with them. Through lots of self-assessment and self-empathy, I have come to understand my values, my mistakes, and my biases. Through my practice of NVC, I have also come to see others as equally human, equally striving to meet needs, and equally disappointed when we miss the mark. Likewise, most strive to forgive as part of that circle of cause and effect.

It takes courage to share who we are in a public sphere, especially when punishment for holding certain values is increasingly common:  a dogmatic government agent, for example, or harsh social media shaming .

So, balancing the need for acceptance with the need for authentic expression of self is a dynamic space in which NVC and Braver Angels are useful. Here are three reasons to venture forth with your values and opinions showing plainly:

• In each case, gathering with those who have the same intention – to connect, to listen without judgment, to speak with authentic voice, to be heard, to experience a shared reality – is a relatively safe activity. When invited to see the whole person in front of you, most people enjoy the opportunity.
• Building skills in compassionate listening and honest expression increases the chances that you will be able to transfer those skills into less safe situations. In fact, offering compassionate listening helps others reveal themselves, helps us lower our guard in order to connect.
• Polarized society becomes toxic to social progress. Practicing NVC and Braver Angels strategies is an antidote to polarization.

There’s a quote attributed to Abraham Lincoln on the back of my Braver Angels tee shirt:  “I don’t like that man. I must get to know him better.”

And to those who fear sharing their true nature with strangers and possible clients, I invite you to consider how you might balance your need for personal integrity with your need to belong, your need to be appreciated for who you are, not who they think you are.