Defanging Enemy Images

“It’s part of the water we all swim in!” That rationale is how we – individually and as a group – learn to love, or hate, people who don’t look, act, vote or worship like we do.

Changing that “default setting” takes four things: awareness, intention, skills, and practice. Those are things that Nonviolent Communication (NVC) helps us accomplish.

Darryl Davis provides an example of how we can make those kind of life-changing shifts. Davis is a Black man who makes a good living as a professional musician. His recent fame, however, came as a result of a chance meeting in a nightclub where he was the band’s piano player. A white patron came up to him and asked where he learned to play “boogie-woogie” like Chuck Berry. The guy was so taken with Darryl’s skills and back story that he invited the musician to his table to meet other white friends and share a drink. In that half hour, the white guy admitted to be a card-carrying Ku Klux Klan member. That encounter resulted in the guy changing his heart about Blacks as a group, and he later quit the Klan altogether.

In an interview, Davis said that dropping racial and other biases is not that difficult . “We had a conversation. We had civil discourse. I wasn’t there to convince him. Instead, I was open to hear what his concerns about Blacks were, what his fears are, you know, and what myths have set him off. I guess I was able to help dispel some of those fears.”

From that point on, Davis has openly welcomed those conversations. More than 200 KKK members – some with statewide responsibility as Imperial Wizard’s – have renounced their membership. Some have become dear friends with Davis. One leader was best man at his wedding. Dozens have given him their KKK hoods and robes as a tribute to him and his efforts.

NVC’s first threshold is being able to understand that the water we swim in creates bias. We create stories that become fixed as truth. Learning to examine our own thinking and how our biases manifest in our language is a powerful first step. Turning judgments (biases and evaluations) into observations give us an opportunity to find commonality.

In the interview, Davis said “I’m not taking the hate out of society. And, I’m not out to convert people or destroy anybody’s culture. If that’s what I’m doing, it only further empowers them. All I’m hoping is that in our conversation, they might come to that realization themselves.”

If your desire is to be less reactive (not acting on biases), NVC helps us to be more proactive.

NVC helps me quickly identify how my thinking alienates others and triggers “us and them” thinking. Years of practice now helps me pivot to a non-judgmental place where natural curiosity shows up. Instead of jumping immediately to how we’re different, I choose to discover how we’re alike. From a place of trust, peace is established, and I can take that sense of wellbeing into my next conversation, and the next and next.

Check out our NVC training opportunties under the EVENTS tab above.