Those Fingers Pointing Back

“When you’re pointing your finger at someone else, remember that there are three other fingers on the same hand pointing back towards you!”

That bit of sage advice came up for me again recently when reviewing a nasty arguement I had with a loved one. I was talking to a councilor about the conflict, and she reminded me that getting defensive, becoming reactive, points to a weakness or insecurity in me.

“When you go on the defense and then become an agressor, it indicates that you’ve lost your power. It shows the other person where you’re vulnerable, and how you take it personally,” she said. “You’re giving up your power to them.”

To make progress, she suggested I develop a list of personal values to which I anchor my personality. Things like empathic, curious, creative, playful and sociable came up. Remembering who I am and what I stand for can help me build a solid emotional platform to withstand comments that might otherwise be interpreted as criticism. From there, I can more impassionately look at the conflict without getting triggered, and more likely find a way through the conflict with needs on both sides being met.

She then suggested that I come up with a word or phrase to keep top of mind, a shortcut to diffuse my tendency to quick reactivity. If I share that word with my loved one, it increases the chance that when I utter the word instead of going defensive, it increases the chance that conflicts can be short-circuited and resolved. Inviting the other person into a more reasoned, compassionate dialogue instead of a fight will almost always lead to resolution more quickly.

NVC, of course, features the practice of self empathy in which I can quickly regulate my reactivity by taking a few deep breaths, remembering my foundational values (including connection to loved ones), then calmly walk through the four steps: observation, feeling, need and request.

Despite decades of NVC experience, it’s helpful to discuss this continuing weakness with someone who can offer different perspectives and tools to achieve harmony.

“If it won’t be important in five years, it’s not worth being upset about it now,” she reminded me. That’s what I call perspective taking. That, along with my commitment to practice emotional self-care, self empathy and empathy for others, are part of a tool belt that offers a way to avoid finger pointing, a way to build relationships, not put them in danger.