Emotional Skill Building Takes Practice

Braver Angels is a national nonprofit that, for the past 10 years, has been inviting people with different political opinons to take a vacation from the echo chambers where our opinions are shaped. In other words, we agree to drop the “talking points” developed by our “side” and then engage in conversation where we discuss shared values instead of differences.

Making that choice creates an intention, perhaps driven by a deep need to connect with others, to be heard, and to find mutual respect.

Having the experience of meeting those needs in a conversation with someone who votes differently can bring a wonderful sense of relief.

But having the experience is not the same thing as having eroded the bias we form in our echo chambers. If we want to lose our bias, if we want to change our world view, that takes more than intention….it takes skill.

ISPAC (an icepack for social aches and pains) is an acronym that stands for:

• Intention
• Skills
• Practice
• Awareness
• Consciousness

Studying Nonviolent Communication (NVC) provides that icepack, helping us create a roadmap of change we might experience along the way, things like:

• Being able to see my thinking errors (blame, judgment, bias, evaluation) without guilt-tripping myself.
  • Example: When I think of how ______really bugs me, I suppose that my need for ________is not being met. I’d really like to have the ability to consider _______ without being so judgmental, without taking it personally.
• Being able to hear criticism and judgment from others without getting emotionally upset.
  • Example: When she said I am incompetent and lazy, I felt hurt and confused. I have a need for understanding and also to be seen for my intention.
• Being able to speak my own truth in a way that doesn’t blame.
  • Example: I’m angry and resentful at the attempts to reduce access to voting. I’d like to expand access to our democratic process because I value equality and full participation by those who qualify to vote.
• Being able to ask someone (in order to meet a need) rather than demand it of them.
  • Example: I’d really like to understand what you mean when you call me incompetent and lazy. Can you give me a specific example?
  • Example: When you say I’m lazy, I’m guessing that you’re disappointed in me, and that perhaps you would have liked for the work you assigned me to be done by now?

Practicing these novel ways of self talk and discussing differences with others is the only way to erode our overly-exercised biased thinking.

With the intention still in place – to seek peace in my family, for example – and with a regular practice of skills learned in NVC, our brain architecture begins to change. Our knee-jerk reactions modify in favor of more nuanced thinking and interacting. We become more patient, more willing to listen deeply for the feelings and needs others – often unskilled – are trying to express. Witnessing this behavior in ourself and others is evidence of a change in our awareness.

After prolonged practice, the skills become habit. What started as an intention to change has become a new consciousness, a new way of being in the world. You’ll find satisfaction, even joy, in hearing people comment about the change, as the once contentious relationships become easier and more considerate.